fuckyeahandrewvanwyngarden:

“A lot of things are coded because lyrically I am never comfortable to discuss something straight up, so I mask it and try to hide it a little.”

— Andrew VanWyngarden  (via combingbacktheirsmiles)

(Source: fasterlouder.com.au)

Hard to tell if its about repugnantly degenerate laziness and stupidity (potatoes) or an appreciation for the minor and sweet aspects of my life (cream).

(although could simply mean I have a  subconcious craving for some potato daphinous)

So what does that imply?

Wasting time passively seeking pleasure leading to nothing but a mental and moral decay and bitter regret?

I give in too easily to my desires but when I try to discipline myself it backfires:

Religion

Weightloss

Education

Phases in my life that only resulted in frustrated anguish and wanton rebellion in reaction.

As a result I have nothing that vaguely resembles morals. My compassion has reduced to almost nothing. I still think like a 12 year old girl. 

How do I achieve moderation? What is moderation? Where do I get me some?

I should be outside, my last day in London for a while. Give it 24 hours till I regret it like nothing. But I don’t want to go outside…outside terrifies me. I know people aren’t watching/don’t care/are self absorbed but its still there, I can’t change it. Sometimes it goes away, but most of the time it cuts like a knife, being out and about leaves me breathless. 

I turn to food/music/fantasies in a pathetic attempt to fill the void I’ve spent years creating, I just don’t/can’t/won’t do relationships/people. 

People = effort. 

Effort = too demanding. 

I’d rather sit alone all day eating, sleeping, consuming tv, nothing remotely productive, and I can gladly go through days of this till that moment every few nights when I won’t be able to shut my eyes because I can’t stop the tears falling and it hurts so much I can’t breathe… cause all I really and truly want is a human connection. 

My first impressions are awesome. It’s what follows that’s an anti-climax, its that what drives people away. Who needs a boring idiot of a friend anyway? Most days I have to drag myself out of bed cause let’s face it there’s not much to get out of bed for. Sometimes I wish I could switch places with a Bangladeshi kid living off Dhaka’s garbage, reality for them is dehumanising and debilitating, so why can’t I face mine? 

I’m blessed to be where I am, and yet I can’t take a step out that door. 

Hmm I still need to pack, still need to finish those CPD cycles, feed myself, snap out of it. 

Artists I need to check out sharpish: Sleighbells, Mos Def, Liars, Four Tet, Javelin. Thanks Radio K. 

Last night:

a) The Besnard Lakes played @ Cargo

b) I was almost mugged.

But that’s another story.

Back to the gig, I broke my loner tradition and took Neha with me, who demanded wine because by some fluke we ended up early(!) and so ensued an hour long wait at Cargo’s bar which featured an incredibly cosy sofa area watched by (real or fake?) stuffed birds.   

After I discovered that it was getting increasingly difficult to get out of the sunken chair I was getting ever increasingly drunk in we went in to witness the support act of the night, The Wolf People. 

I hadn’t heard of these guys before but from what I witnessed the Bedford/London lot rocked pretty hard, with folksy tunes and gorgeous bluesy riffs, definitely ones to check out.

The Besnard Lakes got set up pretty quickly, (or maybe my sense of time had by now eroded/the conversation I was having with the couple next to me was pretty interesting), and under the influence of dutch courage I had time to ask Jace, the lead who looks like he just jumped straight out of the 70’s, if they’d be doing the playing guitar with bow thing. It took me 4 attempts to stutter a coherent sentence and by the time I made myself understandable he just looked at me with a smirk and said ‘Er maybe’.

Liar. 

But anyway I can’t complain, they begun with ‘Like the Ocean, like the Innocent, Part 2: the Innocent’ (like my favourite song by them EVERRR! …yeah I was in total fangirl mode) and the hour long set featured an electrifying and downright breathtaking version of ‘And You Lied To Me’, honestly that’s raw aggression baby. The video just doesn’t do it justice.

There’s something just so romantic about The Besnard Lakes, a combination of the sweet melodies, a penchant for the past, and maybe, most of all, the fact they’re fronted by a couple who evidently love to rock on stage.

I admit by the end they had me babbling bullshit about getting me a husband and starting a band, and spending my days touring till I came to my death bed… but oh we can always dream. 

Click here for a little message from Jace to all those peeps who couldn’t make it to Cargo.

Special thanks for last nite have to go to Josh though, who patiently sobered up a girl who a) couldn’t get to sleep and b) was still shaking from an almost mugging. I salute you and your excellent taste in music and penchant for pervy emoticons.